Homeschooling Mom Talks About Friendship Breakup

     When I started homeschooling, I had no idea how much it would take away from my personal time.  At first, I was inefficient and it seemed that I had no time for friends.   I thought to myself, "I have my kids and my hubby, that is enough, right?".  Well for me it was not.  I needed some friends who were not too demanding of my time.  I wanted someone to talk to about things not related to homeschool.  I wanted more joy in my life.  I wanted a friend.


     My daughter was talking about a friend she had made at Girl Scouts constantly and wanting to invite her over.  My daughter was invited to the girl's birthday party and I decided that would be a great time to meet.  I introduced myself and it was like Helga was an instant best friend.  We were both busy during the day and we had more children so there was not a lot of time we would have to spend together, but I was amazed at how she worked to build a friendship.  I would get texts out of no where saying things like, "rough homeschool day here, wish we could have dinner, but you know how that goes, are you free next friday night for dinner?"

     She also had a small group of friends that she introduced me to, and the four of us started doing things together and having Mom fun.  I thought Helga was the best friend I had ever had.  I teach my children that when dating, they should be careful of a person that wants to move too fast.  I tell them that relationships need to be built over time.  I should have realized that an instant friend, just like a girlfriend or boyfriend is a red flag.

    One night, Helga invited me to workout at her gym.  We walked into the fitness room and her eyes grew huge.  She motioned me to go outside again and I followed.  She said there was a woman in there that hated her and she was nervous.  Helga told me a story about the woman that was gossip, and to be honest, I didn't even believe it then plus it had nothing to do with why this woman would hate her.  We then walked back in and we worked out.  I noticed that this woman who hated Helga pretended Helga did not exist.  It was strange.    I knew that Helga had done something to this woman for her to pretend that she was invisible, but I didn't know the truth, and figured it really wasn't my business.  It was strange.

     One day Helga called me in tears.  She said she really really needed to talk about something too personal for the phone.  We met at lunch and let the kids play at a park while she spilled out a story about her husband and infidelity.  I hugged her and told her it would all be ok, and she cried.   She said she had logged into his account the night before and found emails to a woman.  She cried and I did my best to comfort her.  This incident will be important later.

     Helga emailed me and asked me if we could spend Thanksgiving with her and her family.   I talked it over with hubby and decided we could and let her know.  A few days before, Helga called and said they were not feeling great and they just wanted to stay home alone for the holiday.  I was disappointed and now I was going to be busy.  I had to plan a holiday in two days that I had not intended to plan by myself.  I rushed around and got things done.  We had a great Thanksgiving.  That evening, I logged onto facebook and one of our mutual friends had posted pictures of all of them at Helga's house for Thanksgiving.   I figured she changed her mind or whatever, but had not had time to tell me.   So that night, Helga phoned me.  I asked her how her Thanksgiving went and she said they just sat around in their pajamas and did nothing.  I replied, "Wow, I wouldn't be comfortable in my pajamas with Glenn and Christine in my house".  For a second she went silent, then the screaming started.

     That was the end of our friendship.  From that point on, nothing I could say would ever be forgiven.  Helga called me a stalker and she said I wanted to own her.  She phoned me and made me cry and the strange part about the crying was that I knew she was enjoying hearing me cry.   She told me she would call me on Monday and we would talk again.  Monday, during the day, I got an email from one of the mutual friends that was really mean.  She and Helga had been talking about me and nothing the two of them had to say was nice.   The reaction was too big for the statement I made.  I knew I must have done something to offend her.  Helga was too angry with me for this fight to be over a photo posted on facebook.  This was much larger.  I wanted to apologize for whatever it was that I had done to offend her.

    I decided to phone another mutual friend and I asked her if she knew what I had done that had offended Helga so badly.  She said that Helga had not spoken to her about it but she said she would call her and try to find out for me.  I said I would appreciate it because our fight would not end until I apologized for the real issue,  and I was not even aware of what that was or when it started.   I hung up and not even sixty seconds later, my phone was ringing and it was Helga.  It was strange because I knew they would not have had time to discuss anything.  I thought, "Wow, that was really fast".

    I took the call fully expecting for Helga to tell me how I had offended her and trying to make up.  I was not expecting the backlash.  She screamed at me and I mean screamed.  She said I had no right to involve someone else in a fight with her.  I was crying again.  Through my tears I said, "What I hear you saying, is that it is ok for you to talk badly about me to Christina, but it is not OK for me to ask Olga what I did to offend you".  I felt her anger through the phone like daggers.  She said she would call me in three weeks, that I was evil and she needed a break.  I would not have taken the call even if she had called.  She was mean.

    A few days later, a mutual friend, Denise, asked if I were free to take our kids to the park.  We went.  While we were there, Denise said she had heard about Helga and me.  She was uncomfortable, I could tell.  I asked, "You heard what she is saying about me, but you still are here?".  She said, "yeah" and squirmed some.  She then told me some stories.  A lot of stories.  Stories of Helga's string of former best friends.  She said she had been one of them.  This shocked me because Helga had rarely mentioned Denise.  Denise said, "Yeah, Helga even spent the night at my house when she thought her husband was involved with internet infidelity".

    Remember the story?  I consoled Helga.  She cried on my shoulder at the park.  The stories we were both told were identical even to the person Helga's hubby was talking to.  Helga had told me she had just found out about her hubby's infidelity, yet she had told the same story to Denise three years earlier?  How is that even possible.  I asked Denise if she thought it could be two separate incidences.  Denise shook her head.  She said, "You and I aren't the only ones.  There are many, and each one of them has consoled Helga for a cheating husband who has never cheated".

    Why?  I don't know.  I never will.  Looking back, I realize that Helga was a Queen Bee Narcissist.  The relationship had moved too quickly.  No one is your best friend ever within a month of meeting them.  There were red flags along the way.  The person who pretended she was invisible had been a former best friend.

   
    A few months later, Helga kicked her oldest son out of the house for being two minutes late past curfew and he came to stay with me. He had been making copies of things he needed for college and Helga said he could not use their printer, he needed to get someone else to let him use theirs. He showed up at our door at 5 minutes past 11pm saying he had been texted to never come back.   Hubby went over to try to talk to them, but they wouldn't answer the door.  When their son tried to use his key to get in, someone was holding the door shut.  Luckily we phoned some mutual friends and told them what happened because the next day, Helga was phoning people saying her son was missing and she had no idea where he was or why he left.  She was trying to set me up to look like I had convinced her son to run away and live with me!

    Her son stayed with me for a few months and I was enlightened.   He would sometimes talk about how he could now see through her.  He said Helga lied to people about me and he knew they were lies because he had heard the original phone call.  He said Helga felt she has a right to talk badly about her friends, but that they cannot talk badly about her or they are gone forever.   He also said she talks badly about everyone, that she sets friends up to not like each other so that she can talk badly about all of them to different friends.  He said I had been added to a long list of her friendship divorces.  I had never seen it before.

      This poor kid.  He said he knew Helga was a narcissist and he said that coming to live with me was his eternal stab in the back.  He said he knew Helga would never forgive him because her heart is too cold.  He went to live with his dad eventually.  His dad lived over 2000 miles away and had to move so that he could house his son permanently.

    The breakup with my best friend hurt.  It made it hard for me to trust other friends.  Sometimes I still have dreams about when we were friends and I wake up shaking from emotions.  I have friends now.  Real friends that care about me and don't talk behind my back.  I have great friends and I can't believe I wasted a year on Helga.  I love my honest, kind friends.  

Have you had a friendship breakup?    What did you learn from it?  Was yours a blow up, or a fading away?